Dating and Courtship
According to Skolnick, dating “is the process of spending time with prospective partners to become acquainted.” Skolnick further shows that in societies where individuals choose their own partners, young people typically date prior to marriage. As he says, dates may take place in groups or between just two individuals. Further, with reference to Skolnick, when dating becomes more serious, it may be referred to as courtship.
“Courtship implies a deeper level of commitment than dating does. During courtship the individuals specifically contemplate marriage, rather than merely enjoy one another’s company for the time being.
Courtship may lead to engagement, also known as betrothal—the formal agreement to marry….
In the past, dating, courtship, and engagement were distinct stages in the selection of a marital partner. Each stage represented an increasing level of commitment and intimacy. Although this remains true to some degree, since the 1960s these stages have tended to blend into one another. For example, modern dating and courtship often involve sexual relations. Studies indicate that more than three-quarters of young people in the United States have had sexual intercourse by the age of 19. Furthermore, the contemporary mate-selection process frequently includes the practice of cohabitation—living together in an unmarried sexual relationship… (Skolnick)”
From Skolnick’s definition of dating and courtship above, we can assume several things regarding these two practices. First, there is a very thin line drawn between dating and courtship. Second, nowadays dating usually takes place between young people, often teenagers. Third, dating often excludes parental intervention or consent and usually takes place between only two people or privately. Fourth, it does not involve deeper commitment; rather, it is a mere temporary enjoyment of one another’s company. Fifth, it is regularly accompanied by premarital sexual intercourse or cohabitation.
Courtship, on the contrary, is characterized by deeper level of commitment and is the contemplation of marriage. Nonetheless, although leading toward marriage, courtship is in recent times frequently co-mingled with premarital sexual activities.
The above stated facts regarding dating are well affirmed by Mrs. White.
1. DATING IS CONFUSED WITH COURTSHIP
“The ideas of courtship have their foundation in erroneous ideas concerning marriage. They follow impulse and blind passion. The courtship is carried on in a spirit of flirtation….( The Adventist Home, p. 55)”
2. DATING DOMINANT AMONG THE YOUNG
“The young are in danger, but they are blind to discern the tendencies and result of the course they are pursuing. Many of them are engaged in flirtation. They seem to be infatuated. There is nothing noble, dignified, or sacred in these attachments; as they are prompted by Satan, the influence is such as to please him (Counsels on Health, p. 416).”
“The young are bewitched with the mania for courtship and marriage. Lovesick sentimentalism prevails. …
Daughters are not taught self-denial and self-control. …. They are allowed to have their own way, until they become headstrong and self-willed, and you are put to your wits' end to know what course to pursue to save them from ruin. Satan is leading them on to be a proverb in the mouth of unbelievers because of their boldness, their lack of reserve and womanly modesty. The young boys are likewise left to have their own way. They have scarcely entered their teens before they are by the side of little girls of their own age, accompanying them home and making love to them.
…There is much of this low sentimentalism mingled with the religious experience of the young in this age of the world (The Adventist Home, pp. 52-53).”
3. DATING EXCLUDES PARENTAL INTERVENTION OR CONSENT
“Young people too often feel that the bestowal of their affections is a matter in which self alone should be consulted--a matter that neither God nor their parents should in any wise control. Long before they have reached manhood or womanhood, they think themselves competent to make their own choice, without the aid of their parents (The Adventist Home, p.80).”
“There are still secret attachments and stolen interviews. [Children] follow their willful course, and are controlled by their passions, until you are startled by perhaps a premature marriage, or are brought to shame by those who should, by their noble course of conduct, bring to you respect and honor (A Solemn Appeal, p.51).”
“A young man who enjoys the society and wins the friendship of a young lady unbeknown to her parents does not act a noble Christian part toward her or toward her parents. Through secret communications and meetings he may gain an influence over her mind, but in so doing he fails to manifest that nobility and integrity of soul which every child of God will possess. In order to accomplish their ends, they act a part that is not frank and open and according to the Bible standard, and prove themselves untrue to those who love them and try to be faithful guardians over them. Marriages contracted under such influences are not according to the word of God. He who would lead a daughter away from duty, who would confuse her ideas of God's plain and positive commands to obey and honor her parents, is not one who would be true to the marriage obligations. . . .
‘Thou shalt not steal’ was written by the finger of God upon the tables of stone, yet how much underhand stealing of affections is practiced and excused! A deceptive courtship is maintained, private communications are kept up, until the affections of one who is inexperienced, and knows not whereunto these things may grow, are in a measure withdrawn from her parents and placed upon him who shows by the very course he pursues that he is unworthy of her love. The Bible condemns every species of dishonesty. . . .
This underhand way in which courtships and marriages are carried on is the cause of a great amount of misery, the full extent of which is known only to God. On this rock thousands have made shipwreck of their souls. Professed Christians, whose lives are marked with integrity, and who seem sensible upon every other subject, make fearful mistakes here. They manifest a set, determined will that reason cannot change. They become so fascinated with human feelings and impulses that they have no desire to search the Bible and come into close relationship with God (The Adventist Home, p.58).”
4. DATING IS NOT SERIOUS, IS TEMPORARY, AND INCLUDES SENSUAL GRATIFICATION
Dating is carried on in a secretive manner because it is not serious, is temporary, and is entered into merely for sensual gratification. It is not true love. Mrs. White often refers to dating as flirtation, impulsive passion, blind passion, infatuation, love sick sentimentalism, that love which has not better foundation than mere sensual gratification, etc. (See the Adventist Home, Chap. 7- “True Love or Infatuation”, pp. 50-54, for example)
5. DATING OFTEN INVOLVES PREMARITAL SEXUAL ACTIVITY
Carried on impulsively, temporarily, and secretly for the purpose of sensual gratification, dating is frequently accompanied by premarital sexual activity. “… courtship is carried on in a spirit of flirtation. The parties frequently violate the rules of modesty and reserve and are guilty of indiscretion, if they do not break the law of God (The Adventist Home, p. 55).”
COUNSEL TO A DATING COUPLE
“Petting and Premarital Sex
INFATUATION NOT LOVE.
You have spent hours of the night in her company because you were both infatuated. She professes love for you but she knows not the pure love of an unpretending heart. Satan has ensnared your soul. I was shown you fascinated, deceived, and Satan exults that one who has scarcely a trait of character that would make a happy wife and a happy home should have an influence to separate you from the mother who loves you with a changeless affection. In the name of the Lord, cease your attention to Mattie F or marry her--do not scandalize the cause of God. . . .
The intimacy formed with Mattie has not had a tendency to bring you nearer the Lord or to sanctify you through the truth. . .
Mattie expects to consummate a marriage with you and you have given her encouragement to expect this by your attentions. But will you choose this piece of perversity as your wife, and will you separate your affections from your mother and the people of God? . . .
BETTER TO MARRY THAN TO CONTINUE IMPROPER ATTENTIONS.
If you persist in the course you have pursued it would be much better for you to marry her, for your course is as directly contrary to God's will as to marry her. Satan accomplishes his purpose all the same. If the atmosphere surrounding her is the most agreeable to you, if she meets your standard for a wife to stand at the head of your family; if, in your calm judgment, taken in the light given you of God, her example would be worthy of imitation, you might as well marry her as to be in her society and conduct yourselves as only man and wife should conduct themselves toward each other. You have about ruined yourself as it is. If through the period of your life you wish to enjoy the society of Mattie as you now appear to enjoy it and be fascinated with it, why not go a step farther than you already have and make yourself her lawful protector and have an undisputed right to devote the hours you choose in her company and be charmed with her presence night after night?
Your acts and conversation are offensive to God. The angels of God bear record of your words and your actions. The light has been given you but you have not heeded it. The course you have pursued is a reproach to the cause of God. Your behavior is unbecoming and unchristian. When you should both be in your beds you have been in one another's society and in one another's arms nearly the entire night. . . . You give occasion to our enemies to judge our people as being loose in morals. -- Letter 3, 1879.
VIOLATION OF THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT.
You were shown me in her [Mattie's] society hours of the night; you know best in what manner these hours were spent. You called on me to speak whether you had broken God's commandments. I ask you, Have you not broken them? How was your time employed hours together night after night? Were your position, your attitude, your affections such that you would want them all registered in the ledger of heaven? I saw, I heard, things that would make angels blush. . . . No young man should do as you have done to Mattie unless married to her; and I was much surprised to see that you did not sense this matter more keenly. . . .
Will you now change entirely, cut the last connection with Mattie? Will she do this on her part? If neither of you will do this, marry her at once and disgrace yourselves and the cause of God no more.--Letter 61, 1880. (Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, pp. 117- 119)”
REFERENCES:
1. A SOLEMN APPEAL, p. 51, 510
2. COUNSELS ON HEALTH, p. 416
3. TESTIMONIES ON SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, ADULTERY, AND DIVORCE, pp. 117- 119
4. THE ADVENTIST HOME, pp. 52-3, 55, 58, 80
5. Skolnick, Arlene. "Marriage." Microsoft® Student 2009 [DVD]. Redmond, WA: Microsoft Corporation, 2008.
