True Love
A MOTHER’S DESIRE
“I wish I could make the youth see and feel their danger, especially the danger of making unhappy marriages (The Adventist Home, p. 43).”
OUR OBJECTIVE
The aim of Adventist Date is to enable Adventist youth to equip one another with skills of forming, developing, and maintaining healthy and rewarding intimate interpersonal relationships. The main desire is that these connections may thrive into the bond of a marriage union, which God instituted for the blessing of humanity. Marriage is associated with a variety of positive outcomes. (See Bramlett & Mosher, 2002:1). “It guards the purity and happiness of the race, it provides for man’s social needs, it elevates the physical, the intellectual, and the moral nature (Patriarchs and Prophets, p.46).” A relationship that yields all these outcomes must be based on real, genuine, devoted, and pure love. What is true love?
TRUE LOVE
The completeness of human love is seen as the component of three elements: PASSION, INTIMACY, and COMMITMENT (or DECISION). This type of love is often referred to as consummate love. (Sternberg, 1988a, as referred to in Lamanna & Riedmann, 2009: 105). “The building of intimacy and passion in the early stages of a relationship not only lengthen that partnership's life, it builds the core of deciding that one is in love and is committed to maintaining that love (Tripod).”
PASSION:
Passion is the sensational and emotional basis of love. It is the “warm glow of impulse, the fascination of one … person for another (Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, p. 21)” or the “fancy and the emotional nature” of love (The Adventist Home, p. 43), or the “sensational and emotional” element of love (Letters to Young Lovers, p. 41). As one person renders it, Passion “refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and the like in a loving relationship (Sternberg, as quoted in Lamanna & Riedmann, 2009: 105.)”
INTIMACY:
Intimacy is the intellectual foundation of love. “True love has an intellectual basis, a deep, thorough knowledge of the object loved (Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, p. 21).” “Every association we form, however limited, exerts some influence [intimacy] upon us. The extent to which we yield to that influence [intimacy] will be determined by the degree of intimacy [connectedness], the constancy of the intercourse, and our love and veneration for the one with whom we associate (The Adventist Home, p. 459).”
“Intimacy… is the connection with, and the knowledge of, another person at their deepest level (N. Neta).” It involves “feelings that promote closeness, bondedness, and connectednes, including concern for the welfare of others, subjective happiness, positive regard, sharing, support, mutual understanding, and intimate communication (Tripod).”
COMMITMENT:
“Commitment is the value placed on the relationship (wiseGEEK)” or “the decision that one is in love, and the commitment to maintain that love (Tripod).” As Christians, the value we place on our relationships or the degree of commitment we give to them, we show through courtship or engagement and eventually marriage.
INTERCONNECTEDNESS OF THE ELEMENTS OF TRUE LOVE.
Although different in nature, the three elements of love are very significant in a courtship or marriage and are dependant upon each other. One necessitates another. When one element lacks or is ignored, other factors are inevitably affected. This is not true love. For a relationship to last, it must possess all three elements. A courtship or marriage that lacks in any of these elements is in several ways physically, emotionally, and morally unproductive. God disapproves of such relationships.
Talking against a relationship in which there is no passion, for instance, Mrs. White says, “A sincere Christian will … not want to choose for himself, but will feel that God must choose for him…[However] I would not be understood to mean that anyone is to marry one whom he does not love. THIS WOULD BE SIN. But fancy and the emotional nature [physical attraction and desire] must not be allowed to lead on to ruin. GOD REQUIRES THE WHOLE HEART, THE SUPREME AFFECTIONS [or consummate love] [emphasis added] (The Adventist Home, p. 43).”
Similarly, with reference to Letters to Young Lovers (p. 41), a relationship rich in only passion but little or no intimacy is perceived as giving an appearance of evil. It portrays an impression of sexual immorality. Writing to Belle, Mrs. White advises, “Abstain from even the appearance of evil, is the exhortation of the inspired apostle. Have you done this? The sensational and emotional is more fully developed than the intellectual. Everything, Belle, should be avoided that would exaggerate this tendency into a predominating power.”
Moreover, a relationship full of passion and intimacy but lacks commitment (in this case marriage, since long engagements are also not encouraged) is likewise discouraged. This kind of relationship is very likely to endanger morals, physical and mental powers. Those involved in such a relationship are advised to take it a step further or cut it out at once (see Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, pp. 117-119 & pp. 19-20).
As a whole, “All three together - Commitment, Intimacy and Passion - make up absolute love. A successful marriage is one in which all three factors coexist together over a long time. Interestingly, absence or neglect of one of the three factors often puts a strain on the other two (wiseGeek).” Likewise, God requires absolute affection in relationships, so that they may be physically, emotionally, and morally productive.
CHRIST THE ONLY SOURCE OF TRUE LOVE.
Love, in its various forms, is a need, one much desired for survival or wellbeing of humanity. Psychologist Abraham Maslow in his hierarchy of innate needs recognizes love and belonginess as one of the basic human needs (Compton, 2005: 161). Sociologists Lamanna and Riedmann (2009: 102) similarly identify that human beings need recognition and affection. They define love as “a deep and vital emotion that satisfies certain needs, combined with a caring for and acceptance of the beloved and resulting in an intimate relationship (ibid).”
To meet man’s emotional need for love and companionship God created for him a helpmate (Genesis 2:18-25). “Man was not made to dwell in solitude; he was to be a social being. Without companionship the beautiful scenes and delightful employments of Eden would have failed to yield perfect happiness. Even communion with angels could not have satisfied his desire for sympathy and companionship. There was none of the same nature to love and to be loved. {Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 46.}
Mrs. White shows that the human “heart yearns for human love, but this love is not strong enough, or pure enough, or precious enough to supply the place of the love of Jesus {The Adventist Home, p. 67}.” True love springs only from Christ. “Supreme love for God and unselfish love for one another--this is the best gift that our heavenly Father can bestow. This love is not an impulse, but a divine principle, a permanent power. The unconsecrated heart cannot originate or produce it. Only in the heart where Jesus reigns is it found {Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 551}”.
This divine love works in accordance with our human love, and makes it purer and stronger. “The divine love emanating from Christ never destroys human love, but includes it. By it human love is refined and purified, elevated and ennobled. Human love can never bear its precious fruit until it is united with the divine nature and trained to grow heavenward. Jesus wants to see happy marriages, happy firesides {The Adventist Home, p. 99}.”
The Nature of True Love
“Love . . . is not unreasonable; it is not blind. It is pure and holy. But the passion of the natural heart is another thing altogether. … [P]ure love will take God into all its plans, and will be in perfect harmony with the Spirit of God…. In all the deportment of one who possesses true love, the grace of God will be shown. Modesty, simplicity, sincerity, morality, and religion will characterize every step toward an alliance in marriage. Those who are thus controlled will not be absorbed in each other's society, at a loss of interest in the prayer meeting and the religious service. Their fervor for the truth will not die on account of the neglect of the opportunities and privileges that God has graciously given to them…
…True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding… {The Adventist Home pp.50-51}”
REFERENCES:
1. Bramlett, M. D., and Mosher W. D., 2002, COHABITATION, MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, AND REMARRIAGE IN THE UNITED STATES. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Stat 23(22), p.
2. Compton, W., C., 2005. An introduction to POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY, London: Thompson Learning/Wadsworth, p. 161.
3. Lamanna, M. A., & Riedmann A., 2009, MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES: MAKING CHOICES IN A DIVERSE SOCIETY, Thomson Wadsworth, California, United States of America, p. 102, 105.
4. LETTERS TO YOUNG LOVERS, p. 41.
5. PATRIARCHS AND PROPHETS, p.46, 551.
6. TESTIMONIES ON SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, ADULTERY, AND DIVORCE, pp. 19-20 p. 21, 26 & 117-119.
7. THE ADVENTIST HOME, p. 43, 50-51, 67, 94, 99, 100, & 459.
8. N. Neta, Five Steps to Increased Intimacy in Your Life, http://www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com/intimacy-1.htm
9. Tripod, Types of “Love”, http://socialpsych.tripod.com/id10.html
10. wiseGeek, What is Steinberg's Love Triangle?, http://www.wisegeek.com/contest/what-is-steinbergs-love-triangle.htm
